My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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