i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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