What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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