the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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