I didn't shave. On purpose
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
