i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
