My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I need help removing her.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
