I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
