just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
