Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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