You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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