exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
