all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
