I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
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Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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