If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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