actually, I'm a sock model
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
