My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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