I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
