Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
