I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
