can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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