I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
