I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
