Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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