just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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