I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Randomize
