Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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