I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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