I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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