My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize