Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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