if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
