hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
