I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
