The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
