Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
