I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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