I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
