Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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