when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
this boner is exhausting
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
