If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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