Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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