My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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