You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
