I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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