I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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