I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
