I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
