Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
