this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
