The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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