my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
