i don't like sucking hair
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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