I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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