Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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