I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
