Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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