I didn't shave. On purpose
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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