After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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