I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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