Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
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im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
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You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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